𝓣𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱𝓽..

𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉..

By sending me to a boarding school would make into a better person,

𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉..

By letting me stand by my own feet without lending me a hand would make into a stronger person,

𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉..

By making me live that way would make realise how real life works,

𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓊𝓃𝒻𝑜𝓇𝓉𝓊𝓃𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓎,

I have hated myself more than anything since that day.

Everything was under control but not until everyone showed their true colours,

Have you ever wondered why I put up a big dang wall in my life?

Because I hate engaging with things that reminds me of the past.

I become more secretive than I ever be.

I become more cold than I ever be.

I developed a massive hatred feeling in me.

I become someone who is hard to deal with now.

I become someone with a trust issue, but you still got the nerves to say I was being complicated.

I have developed an anxious feeling that trigger my whole body and soul.

I become someone who is hoping to die more that I used to be back then.

I become someone that loves to stay in the dark and let the darkness engulf me.

I become someone who cries for nothing but pain.

I become someone who is getting forget the definition of being kind.

I become someone who is denying the words, "You are one of the strongest girls" because that is a total bullshit.

However, 

I have suffered quite a lot mentally.

Have you ever asked me whether I was truthfully okay?

Besides from asking grades, have you ever asked how my mental was?

I had to go through shits for 5 years after losing someone who I used to feel like Second Home.

I had to wake up with different dramas everyday.

If I voiced it out now, they probably said, "You should have let go of the past."

I am letting it go but do you think I would easily forget how terrified and lonely I could be?

𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓃,

I went back first home hoping it would heal my broken soul.

How stupid of me for thinking that way.

A place that I called as home was never existed.

I had to go through more dramas and shits again, again and again.

Why would you expect me to be fine when I was being in this kind of situation?

For fuck sake, this is ain't about being strong.

I have been keeping inside of me since forever.

You've got the nerve to shove "you're weak" on my face.

Have you ever looked at yourself and considered yourself as a mental abuser?

Have you ever thought that way?

Bitc-

You won't.

All of you, are the same.

Bitching as much as you want.

We all are going to die anyway.

It is just a matter of time.

I don't know how long I can bear with this pain.

I feel numb already.

But, I believe He is with me.

I never stop believing in Him.

He is my saviour,

He pulls me back whenever I'm one step closer to the dead end,

When I become like this,

It isn't because I have no faith in Him.

It's clearly because of the circle I live in.

The people,

Family,

Friends.

It has nothing to do with my belief. 

But,

It has to do with you, sick-minded people.

Thank you for teaching me what love is in a brutal way.

Because, it leads me to hate few things in a brutal way too.

-shws

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If & only if this could reach you, I would be happy.

 Nothing much to post but this post gonna be about a lyric song that I love the most.

and I would like to dedicate this song to a certain someone who I have no idea where and what he is doing right now.

I've been missing him but that probably is going to be a useless feelings because I broke him first.

That's why he left.

But,

After he left, I can't deny the fact that I actually love him more than anything.

I ain't bullshitting. He probably be thinking that way about me.

But, I'm being honest.

No more lies.

I wish I could meet him again.

"Okimoto Hajime, snow prince"

Unlasting - LiSA

I’m fine even if I am on my own

Me pretending to be strong is overflowed by that declaration

To think that the beautiful days we had together

Could be this heartbreaking...

 

If I have to live alone

I will not love anyone else

 

Your scent and the way you talk

Even now, I can feel pieces of your fragmented love all over my body

My wish, my only wish

Is that somewhere, you’re crying, too

 

Every new step I take is always

Heavy and lonely

 

If I am yet to be born

I would love to meet you again.

 

Midsummer’s sunshine, midwinter’s white snow

In the middle of the changing seasons pieces of love are falling down

I am happy, but I am also lonely

Because my love is bigger than you

 

With the key in your hands

You left this canary which has no reason to sing anymore

Alone in its dark cage

 

Your scent and the way you talk

Even now, I can feel pieces of your fragmented love all over my body

My wish, my only wish

Is that somewhere, you’re happy

 

Unlasting world

The course of love

Forever thinking of you...

p/s: Please listen to every LiSA's songs! She is a great singer :< 

-shws

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I'm frustrated

 Even at a time like this, I'm so frustrated

I'm frustrated and mad over those bastards who cheat on their loved ones.

Ah that probably because I used to be one in the past and seeing one now makes me sick.

Rather than feeling sick, I would say it reminds me of the past.

I swear ..

It was a big loss for me.

Losing a worthy person was a big loss for me.

.

.

.

They should've stopped acting like this.

They shouldn't behave this way at the very first place.

They don't know how much their loved ones spend days thinking about them.

They should've stopped looking at someone else.

They should've stopped using other people to let out their lustful needs.

It's disgusting.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I swear, it's disgusting and it's hurting.

Please stay faithful while you still can.

Don't ruin the precious love between you two.

Please, don't.

.

.

Think twice before you cheat on your loved ones.

Think wisely.

Use your fucking brain not your lust.

-shws

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Sorry

Do I still have the chance?

The chance to talk to you again.

The chance to see you again.

The chance to argue with you again.

The chance to love you again.

I guess that's the end of it,

there's no such thing as "chance" at the very beginning.

Who would want to return to a place where they get hurt,

I should have realised th-

No.

I do realise it,

but,

I put a blind eye to it and pretend that I know nothing. 

I've known it for long time already.

I'm a fool.

Indeed, I'm a fool.

There's no way I could be better if I get stuck in this situation,

but, 

There's no way either for me to get out of this.

I know it all along,

to get out of this is to move on, 

but,

I've moved on.

I've moved on but I'm scared that I won't be feeling the same way as before.

I felt secured.

I felt safe.

I felt comfortable.

I felt like there was a person who could finally understand me.

That was what I felt before.

I was a fool,

No, I'm a fool.

I made mistakes by letting the lust of love and the loneliness ate my soul.

It made me turn my back on you.

I shouldn't have done that.

I shouldn't have done that.

I shouldn't look at other people,

I should have focused on us.

I should have done that.

I hurt you.

I'm sorry that I hurt you.

I was hurting you.

I made you live in hell.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I really want to tell you this. 

Will it reach you?

I'm willing to wait.

-shws

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SPEAK

I have always wanted to speak what's inside my mind,
but,
I don't want to hear the same thing ever again,
like,
"You have to be strong, you need to be strong, get some rest if you are tired, I really want to be there for you..",
I don't want to hear this anymore,
because the words don't even reflect on the actions that they show to me.

I always feel there is a missing piece in me,
but,
The more I think of it,
I feel hurt,
It doesn't make me feel better.

So, I make myself busy to stop from thinking about the missing piece,
I have always wanted to be comforted,
I have always wanted someone to help me getting rid of the insecurities in me.

This is because,
when the insecurities start to suffocate me,
I feel like giving up,
I forget about the self-love,
I forget about it.

How would I remember anything about love when I don't even know how to love and to be loved.
Little by little,
the insecurities start to engulf the inner me.
I can never tell other people about how I've felt,
By the look on how they react, I will never do that.

I may be wrong,
but,
what can I do?
I want to be free from this feeling.
How do I do?
What should I do?

-shws

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It's OK

"This is so unfair.."

"You are the one who created the distance, not me."

"I wish you were there for me when I was at my lowest but that's okay, I have my loved ones already."

"You rarely hang out with us."

"You are still my main."

"I really want to see you."

"Hit me up whenever you need someone to talk to."

"I really miss you."
"I'll remember that you forget to wish me on my birthday."

She smiled.

She rose above the pain and still people stomped on her.

She asked, "why did this happen to me?"

&

She went to bed and lay her head on the pillow.

While other people were having fun watched movies, gossiped and other stuff, she was crying in her sleep.

All these times, she was holding back everything that she kept within her.

Suffocated and so miserable.

Nothing went right for her.

It took awhile for her to be fine again..

Every perception for everyone that she knew had changed,

she wanted to believe them.

But, she said no.

She used to be someone who prioritized other people more than herself but not anymore.

She still cared but when she got tired, people could realize how bad she could be.

and yes, people still talked shit about her for acting that way.

Little did they know the one who were making her into someone that they did no longer know was them.

-shws

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